‘Goats’ boasts New Age war tactics

What would happen if Hippies were in charge of the United States Army?

In the new film, “Men Who Stare at Goats,” director Grant Heslov looks at what America’s military force would be if it were controlled by New Age tactics rather than violent means.

The film starts with reporter Bob Wilton (Ewan McGregor) looking for a new way to spice up his life. He then encounters Sgt. Lyn Cassady (George Clooney), a retired member of the now defunked New Age Army. Wilton accompanies Cassady across Iraqi lines on a mysterious mission.

This movie’s comedy scheme is similar to the Persian sand that Wilton and Cassady trek across: dry and bland. Other than unique moments of hilarity, like when Cassady refers to the New Age Army as a company of Jedi Masters from “Star Wars” (to which McGregor, Obi-Wan Kenobi himself, acts as if he has never heard of the ways of the Force), the laughs in this film are few and far between.

The film is full of drug and hippie one liners, most of which have already been done on “South Park,” and the plot itself jumps from one scene to another with such abruptness that only those who have taken their Adderall would be able to follow the movie completely.

The only saving grace of “Goats” is the performance of Jeff Bridges, who plays the founder of the New Age Army Bill Django. Known for his fame in “The Big Lebowski,” Bridges plays a character that contrasts his physical appearance to perfection. Bridges gets in touch with his inner being and as such gives the U.S. Army slogan “be all you can be” a completely different connotation than most would associate with today’s military.

While this film is based on the non-fiction book of Colonel John B. Alexander, a Special Forces officer during the Vietnam War, Heslov’s film does nothing to show that actions in this film could have actually occurred. The manner in which he portrays the psychic actions of the New Age Army is a vision of what New Age priests and practitioners would want the masses to think they see during their LSD-induced visions rather than credible evidence that psychic spies actually exist.

On the whole, Heslov has led great actors such as McGregor, Clooney, Bridges and Kevin Spacey down a dust-covered Iraqi road of failure. The only way viewers may be tempted to see this film is through the all-star cast, which Heslov disappointedly constrains, leaving viewer’s wanting more.

With Jedi mindtricks that are 20 years old and lack-luster performances that leave an audience wanting so much more, this movie should be left for rental for one dollar through your local Redbox, not for ten at the theater.