Lessons from 'Big Lebowski' provide sound advice for life

For this week's Rental Review, the subject is the seminal Cohen brothers movie "The Big Lebowski," released in 1998. However, this week's Rental Review will be a bit different in format. Rather than discuss the plot, story and acting, it would be more pertinent to apply the teachings of so important a movie to college life itself, along the way giving snapshots of the indispensable movie in question. Briefly, "The Big Lebowski" is a story about the Dude, an unemployed ex-hippie (Jeff Bridges), his friend Walter (John Goodman) and the trouble they get into after crossing paths with a rich philanthropist. The movie presents so many scenarios that apply to life in and around college that it would be a shame not to draw parallels. Problem one: A mysterious, muscle-bound duo breaks into your dorm and urinates on your favorite rug, one that "really tied the room together." Solution: The offenders were obviously looking for someone with the same name, so go on UT people search and type your own name in. Harass the first person you find with your name, demanding that their significant other is the reason your rug smells like a fraternity house. When they refuse, steal their rug. You will eventually end up courier in their significant other's million-dollar kidnapping scheme. Yes, this will happen without fail. Problem two: At the Down Under, a rival bowler steps over the line, but refuses to admit his mistake, thus sullying the results of a league game. Solution: What else? Pull out a 9mm and start screaming about Vietnam. That is, until your ex-wife's dog starts getting upset. That's when you'll know it's time to get up and leave the alley. Precision is everything in this. After all, it's a league game. Problem three: You and your two friends are attacked by leather-clad techno band members/nihilists/porn stars, probably somewhere on the Strip. Solution: Offer them four dollars. Then, as they scream unintelligibly, watch as your friend hits one with a bowling bag, another with a boombox and bites a third's ear off. Now, remember, this is only to be used when you are indeed attacked by techno-listening, nihilist porn stars. Problem four: Your friend has died, and the funeral home is trying to sell you an urn that you don't need. Solution: Go to Kroger, buy coffee and dump out the coffee. Use the coffee can as an urn. And when you scatter the ashes, make sure to throw it into the wind, so as to bond with your friend beyond the grave. In fact, you'll be showering your friend out of your hair and ears for quite some time. Well, that's the best life advice that "The Big Lebowski" has to offer. For those saying that none of this could possibly happen, that's exactly what the Dude thought. Grade: A